Even if you dont love me tommorow, i know you have loved me yesterday.
Who am I? And how, I wonder, will this story end?
The sun has come up and I am sitting by a window that is foggy with the breath of a life gone by. My life it isn’t easy to explain. I have learned that not everyone can say this about life. But do not be misled. I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I have led my common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I have loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me this has always been enough.
The romantics would call this a love story but the cynics would call it a tragedy. In my mind it’s a little bit of both, and no matter how you choose to view it in the end, it doesn’t change the fact that it involves a great deal of my life and the path I have chosen to follow. I have no complaints about my path and the places it has taken me. The path I have chosen has always been the right one, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
When I look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every lived. And I know I have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understands, we’ve been to force to say goodbye.I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and I promise to do all I can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is a truly goodbye, I know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we have had before.
I don’t know what to say anymore except that I couldn’t sleep last night because I knew that it is over between us. It is a different feeling for me, one that I never expected, but looking back, I suppose it couldn’t have ended another way. The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. And maybe each time, we have been forced to be apart for the same reasons. That means that this good bye is both good for us.
You and I were different. We came from different worlds, and yet you were the one who taught me the value of love. You showed me what it was like to care for another, and I am better man because of it. I don’t want you to ever forget that. I am not bitter because of what has happened.
I want you to know how much you've opened my eyes and helped me truly see myself. Until now, my life has been an undecided back-and-forth, and now I know that I've wasted too much time. But now my direction seems clear, and I have confidence in my future. The past doesn't seem to be matter anymore. You've made me to see the possibilities I would never have imagined before. On the contrary, I am secure in knowing that what we had was real, and I am happy that we were able to come together for even a short period of time. And if, in some distant places in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy, and remember how we spent time together, learning from each other and growing in love. And maybe, for a brief moment, you’ll feel it too, and you will smile back, and savor the memories we will always share together.
It is a strange experience for me to see you leaving me soon for a long time, for when I think of you and the life we have shared, there is so much to remember. A lifetime of memories. But to put it in words? I don’t know if I am able. I am not a poet, and yet a poem is needed to fully express the way I feel about you.
There is so much we don’t talk about, so much I have trouble believing in. another strange and complicated mess. I am always filled with the doubt; we didn't communicate as well as I wish we had have. There are so many things I wish I could tell you but I never let you know how fragile I am.
I may hate myself for never saying anything to you about the way I feel. I am editing my reactions and language as I look at you. Emotionally inept, I think I could disappear in you. I am afraid to disappear in you. I am so petrified that you could be everything and anything to me. I know sorry is not enough for the things I have done but I hope my sincerity is enough. I regretted those foolish things that I've done. Because of those things, I lost you, I lost my life. And I'll never love again because of that.
Every day, I'm waiting for signs, which sometimes leaves me with hopeless expectations. Every move and every action you make, I interpret ... I'm like a fool watching every moment of you and so desperate for you to notice my existence. A simple smile makes me happy. A short conversation makes my whole day brighter. You fill the empty space in my heart; this is how you make me feel every day.Maybe I'm still not over you, even if I sing 1000 times that I'm over you, I know deep in my heart that I am not.
I wish you would tell me to let go of you. I miss you more than you will ever know. I've loved you forever. I guess since you won't tell me to go, I'll continue on with the pain of not ever having you. Just tell me what you felt - that is all I need. I will always be here for you no matter what. It doesn't matter if you didn't and don't feel the same. I just need closure so I can sleep at night.
I wish I have had more experience. I wish I could have seen just how I wasn't being as good to you as I should have been. You even told me not to try so hard. I should have taken your advice. I wish that I could have just committed to what I wanted. People also say that before you can love someone you have to love yourself. This is something I have difficulty in fully understanding. It makes a lot of sense, but with the way I feel about myself right now I still love you. Nothing could ever change that. People are in love with each other for specific reasons. I have a two page list in my mind of why I love you, but the most important to me is how you emit and shine all the best things out about you without even trying. Some say that love is blind, I never felt blind when I fell in love with you. I prayed that you never were or would, because it would break my heart. They say that Love is like a bus, if you miss it, don’t worry, you’ll catch another one. But for me if I miss the bus I’ll run to catch it, no matter what will happen down the road cause its well worthwhile to sacrifice for the loved one.
People say love is like a butterfly; the more you chase them the faster they will go. But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder. Yeah that’s what I think about my situation right now. But I chose to not wasting my time no more even though it’s only just to wait for your call. That’s why I can’t lose any precious time with you. You are about to leave me soon forever. I wanna make a last thing for you. So you’ll know that I am sincere with everything that I do just to ensure everything goes like I dreamt.
Although we see each other every day, I can say that it's different; it's cold, as if we don't have something we shared. It's been so hard for me to accept that we're living separate lives now, looking at things as if we're strangers. The pain that you brought me was not easy to forget. Every day, I'm hurt, but trying to survive.
I was told that time heals everything. I've come to believe time just makes things a little easier to deal with. But the truth is, I still dream of you, I still cry myself to sleep thinking of you, and I still look up at sky wishing you were near me. I get dressed every day only to impress you in case we see each other. I check the caller ID and SMS as well just in case.
I know something ripped us apart never to be together again. Something that I wouldn’t admit until now, it was me and I was wrong. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought it was all for the best. But if it were really what we needed I wouldn’t feel the way I feel now. I was selfish, stubborn, and narrow minded. I was even more than that. I should never have hurt my one true love, but I did and I will never forgive myself for that.
So my mind drifts, and I remember thinking about our life together when my emotions have been everywhere- angry, sad, self-pitying, resentful, jealous, pathetic, nihilistic, and whatsoever. I kept in blaming myself, it was my entire fault. I've been too selfish, too hard on you. Now I'm starting to realize that you were too good for me. You are a very good girl and you deserve someone better than I am. I tried to change for you, but my efforts were not enough. I hope somehow, I made your life special, though I've not been perfect for you. I hope you'll be happy now and that you can find the person whom you truly deserve. I did thinking that maybe he is the one for you.
I know you cared for him. And his reaction proves to me he cared for you as well. No, he couldn’t understand losing you, but how could he? Even as you explained that you had always loved n care for me, and that it wouldn’t be fair for him, he did not release your hand. I know he was trying to convince you and maybe he was afraid to losing you, because of my appearance maybe he tried his best for almost an hour to make you stay. But when you stood firm and said to me, “I don’t want to spend time with you everyday and meet you everyday because I want to spend most of my time with him. He gave me happiness more than you do and I don’t want u to bothers me no more, cause u are so demanding, annoying, and you are trying to neck me. I want u to stop fighting for me, because I already have him as mine”. It pains me to know that you wake up with another beside you. It pains me to know that I could have let the best that ever happen to me leave without a fight, and you know what hurts the most is the thought that you might not feel the same. The hardest part is not falling in love, but allowing yourself to fall out.
It pains me to know that all good things have to come to an end, but I hope that ours can end in eternity.
I knew that your decision had been made. I was intended to hold you day and night and never let you out of my sight because I have too much love to show. It hurt me the most and a part of me was dead at that moment after u said u didn’t want to see any efforts from me instead you want him. The ways u guys acted like a couple break my heart into pieces and yet u always sleep together in one bed with him. U expects me to deal with it but my heart just couldn’t accept it. Sometimes I didn’t understand why do u have to act like I am nothing and everything I have done seems wrong for you. And u didn’t even call me or miss me after we haven’t talked for a long day knowing that I am all alone n sad just by myself. I don’t mind if I’m all lonely in my sadness. I just miss u so fuckin much and all I wanted is to let u know how I care for you n to ask you how you have been doing. I can’t live my life happily knowing you’re with someone else. That would kill a part of me. What we have is rare. It’s too beautiful to just throw it away but if you’re happy Cindy, and you love him, I won’t try to stop you to be with him. But if there is a part of you that isn’t true, then don’t do it. This isn’t the kind of thing you go into halfway.
To tell you the truth I believe n trust my sense and I am sure that he is not a right guy for you. Cause he did tell me something which I think is very coward n selfish. After all I figured he’s not that gentle as I thought and he doesn’t deserve you at all. He is not going to love u like I loved u before. I knew what I have done positively for you. I did predict that you’re ex boyfriend wont be last long as u thought. And yes I predicted it pretty damn well. And this fuck face that u have been with are just the same as they are. In time you will see it. I want happiness for you, I want u to be loved, deeply and truly loved. You are special, Bebe, you deserve the very best man can give to you. You deserve a man who will help you financially and mentally. You deserve more than him.
Though I know he treats u very good, even better than me. He behaved as a gentleman would, and I understood then why you chose him over me, though he never had an argument with you as much as we did. It doesn’t make sense for him to complain because your heart has been captured already.
So it’s impossible for him and you to have an argument just like we did. The reason we had an argument a lot is because you never tell me the truth and I am so jealous cause you want him to be with you all the time, I couldn’t accept that I am more lame than him and he is better than me cause I knew for what I have given you is a 110% pure efforts of me. I need you but u prefers to spend time with him rather with me, it was really hard for me to surviving day by day and seeing you guys having a romance that I wouldn’t feel anymore with you. You didn’t even give a shit at the time I am screwed up. You even said “It’s not my problem if you couldn’t accept our relationships; you have to live and accept that we are close enough to do our own thing. It’s not your business anyway if I want to sleep with him, you have to accept that I love being around him and at the moment he is the best. You don’t have a right to care or give me an advice for what am I doing. People change, Feeling change, you just have to learn to live with that”. I was hurt at the time u said it and all I wanted at that time nothing more than to cry myself to sleep and never wake up. I understood n respect what u wanted but cant u see that I was just hoping that u will spend a good time with me just like we used to before you will leave me forever because I want our memories between you and me will become memorable and sweet. But u never spend a nice time with me, you using me as ur complimentary, u treat me as your dummy.
Whenever u need me, u will call me n ask me out but after he is available for you, you will throw me in the store room. You will ask me to leave. Don’t you think it was hurt and rude? Did I deserve to be treated like that? Am I worth that kind of attitude? Was it fair? After all I finally understood and just pray for your happiness. Honestly I feel really dumb right now...and I don't know if I should be doing this....because I don't know how you're going to take all of this. Just like I don't know how you take everything else. I’m just hoping that letting u know isn’t mistake. I never expect that u will love me too for what I have ever given you, I just want u to remember me that’s all I ask for now. You will never meet someone like me anymore. Everything I have done is all for you and only you. It’s never been about me.
Every time I saw u packing up ur stuff when u were about to stay in his house I wanted to shout out loud to you and telling you “ Please don’t leave me alone, I wanted you to be with me, I couldn’t understand that you prefer him than me. Cant u feel how I felt? I want to hold you day and night. You didn’t even notice my feelings for you”. Did u know? I cry every night thinking about you while u were having a good sleep with him. Every morning when the sun goes out to shine, I flash a smile but deep inside, I feel so sad and lonely and all I’m thinking is that I need you to be by my side again. Did you realize that every time I take you to his home make me fucked up? I guess I feel like a dumb ass. After I sent u to his house you won’t even care about me instead you will said some words that made me worst.
Did u know the most sadness scene? When u were with him holding hand across the street, u don’t even looked back. It breaks my heart the most. I wanted to shout out loud to call your name while you were far from me and begging you not to go to his house. But I didn’t say anything, and a minute later you were gone and the only remaining signs of you were the tracks of your foot had left behind.
I stood there without moving for a long time and my tears starts to falling down so hard. In my mind I thought she was gone. Forever this time. Forever.
I closed my eyes then and watched you leave once more, your foot steps moving steadily away from me, I realized sadly, you never looked back.
Why did you do this to me, when you knew I would have done anything for you, when you knew that all my dreams, wishes and hopes surrounded you, when you knew that not having you in my life would instantly kill my heart? I’m all shattered and everything I see is blue. We rarely see each other to spend any sort of time together. What has gone wrong? If only you knew how your absence has affected me. But I know I can’t change your mind and more important I can’t change what you feel in your heart so all I can ask you is, Why?
I think about you every single day. And everyday I'm surprised at how strong my love for you remains. The most painful part of it all is that I don’t even know what you're up to. Are you happy? Are you in love? Do you miss me? Do you ever think about me? But whatever I thought you will always carry a special place in my heart, even after all the pain, and tears, and hurt. But what you said still hurts. You even said that I am like an animal. I didn’t shit on you at all - I just didn’t become what you wanted me to become. You really need to be alone for a while and figure yourself out. I know you didn’t mean it but it hurts me like hell.
I know I say and ask the same thing all the fuckin time but I can’t make it clear enough to you. I’m not saying that I’m perfect and I don’t hurt you…but you wanted this…you never tell me the truth. I wanted you to open up to me. You never listen and never take my words when I gave u my advice instead of interrogating … that’s what I’m doing. And ill keep saying and asking the same thing until the day you get it. Even if I have to become insane nut or you will hate me.
You say I think about things too much right? Well honestly I don't think you think about things enough. If you really give your self a chance to think back again you will realize what was going on. I believe that u knew it, you just don’t realize about it at the moment... Time will answer for everything though. Maybe at the moment you don’t want to figure what it is and open your eyes for it. You can never reverse or repair what you have done. Because you left my heart feeling lonely, damaged and abandoned. I don't want to get mad with you anymore or feel weird around you because of something you've done to hurt me. I want to forget everything which is bad and concentrate only on the good one. I will wait for the day, when all the bad memories are erased.
Sometimes I can hear your voice telling me you will never leave me. But that's all gone now. I cry myself to sleep wishing I still had you. Being in your arms again is something that I have dreamt of for so long. All I wanted is our memories are going to be strong to be remembered and whenever u are sad and lonely u will know that I will always be there to make you laugh and support you at the perfect moment. I have to admit, for me you are my heroine.
After you left, I rocked in silence, thinking back on our life together. You are always here with me when I do so, at least in my heart, and it is impossible for me to remember a time when you were not a part of me. I do not know who I would have become had if you never came back the day when I was in Sydney back in 2002, but I have no doubt that I would have lived and died with regrets that thankfully I will never know.
I love you, Bebe. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I have ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, every day we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.
And, my Bebe, you will always be the gorgeous one in my heart.
I know you thought me crazy for making me write our story before we finally agree about it. But I have my reasons and I thank you for your patience to read these letter. Now it is time you knew. We have lived a time as a couple never knows, and yet, when I look at you. I am frightened by the knowledge that all this will be ending soon. There are no words to express my sorrow for this. And I am at a loss for words.
So I love you so deeply, so incredibly much, that I will find a way to come back to you, I promise you that. And this is where the story comes in. When you are lost and lonely, read this story and know that in some way, you will realize how I have tried myself just to make you happy. You will know that I aint that bad just like u thought. We had a sweet memory that I can’t erase inside me. Please don’t be angry with me on days I don’t do my things for you and let you down. I never want to disappoint you, so if I ever forget to tell you how much you mean to me or how much I love you, well I am saying it now~ In silence then I will love you and in silence I will care for you.
And if you save this letter to read again, then believe what I am writing for you now. Bebe, wherever you are and whenever this is, I love you, I love you now as I write this, and I love you now as you read this, and I am so sorry if I am not able to tell you. I love you deeply, my Bebe. You are, and always have been, my dream.
Zizi
4:17am, October 15, facing west, on an overcast day, I have matched your eyes to the sky and told you everything. I may only hope that one day I tell your flesh.
Inspired by Notebook the movie
